can't sleep,

Hello,
Its 3:37 At night ,
And i am awake. completely..
like i cannot sleep.. i saw exorcism of emily rose and that is not the reason why i cannot sleep.. i was watching it cause i was bored and just out of my league.. like not enjoying my own company.. Since when do you not like your own company and resort to other people , things to pass your time...
fuck that..
Am sure it happens to any one , but it seems the darn compass is just stuck some where it refuses to move to a new direction. Like it feels like a dead end. Like for real.. dead end.
ok. so ur doing all this but its a dead end.
ok ur making cards. then dead end
like everything is so freaking strange. i cut figure it out like what is this whole freaking idea beihd this freaking phase..
our cars met with accidents and thankful every one was safe.. and so was the driver who choked them at the first place...
Another part of my life sees things which r just nt getting fixed no matter what you do they just want to suck all the air out of you and keep you puzzled..
Then there is this part of the life that i just don't get. After all that was given in to something had it no meaning whats so ever to be at least worth an effort to respond to  ask about or at least find out if things r fine. And actually not limit till r u fine but genuine interest... like fuck dude are you serious ?
some one asked me. " how are you so calm and sorted about things " , i answered there r bigger things.. i guess..
and fuck man fuck ! they are not sorted and i dnt seem calm to myself when i am to myself. I don't think they are calm at all.. i think everyday we come to this freaking dead end. Even if you find another way,again start from scratch,work things out ! Like YOU KNOW WHAT , i don't want to be part of this freaking game.
why don't you keep scratching ur self man !
i got mad at some one thinking they didn't give a fuck not realizing that i was the one who initiated it or wants to...so if the other person did not respond why should it matter to that person for how i felt ! i initiated it right ? But why did i even initiate it and in what sense am i initiating anything.. like what for and why ?
disintegrated is the word as what i feel is what our lives is right now.. like in every aspect  where it seems normal its equally abnormal and not fine at all but the circumstances we have to live with until some miracle comes and saves us.

i have a tattoo on my left forearm , saying " Faith ". i got it done because a lot of shit was happening and i was experiencing things beyond my emotional control and mental ability  and then it turned out to be a teaser and there was a whole diff ball game all together.
Faith = belief .. i need the continuance insurance to my self that things will get better. and till date i hope and have faith that things will get better.
 the places i have been seeking happiness are not what i want or anything that has happened to be anything which made me smile for real.

oh how much i want things to be good.

i still can't sleep. and i am still wide awake. i very hungry, for answers  and some light in the tunnel.