can't sleep,

Hello,
Its 3:37 At night ,
And i am awake. completely..
like i cannot sleep.. i saw exorcism of emily rose and that is not the reason why i cannot sleep.. i was watching it cause i was bored and just out of my league.. like not enjoying my own company.. Since when do you not like your own company and resort to other people , things to pass your time...
fuck that..
Am sure it happens to any one , but it seems the darn compass is just stuck some where it refuses to move to a new direction. Like it feels like a dead end. Like for real.. dead end.
ok. so ur doing all this but its a dead end.
ok ur making cards. then dead end
like everything is so freaking strange. i cut figure it out like what is this whole freaking idea beihd this freaking phase..
our cars met with accidents and thankful every one was safe.. and so was the driver who choked them at the first place...
Another part of my life sees things which r just nt getting fixed no matter what you do they just want to suck all the air out of you and keep you puzzled..
Then there is this part of the life that i just don't get. After all that was given in to something had it no meaning whats so ever to be at least worth an effort to respond to  ask about or at least find out if things r fine. And actually not limit till r u fine but genuine interest... like fuck dude are you serious ?
some one asked me. " how are you so calm and sorted about things " , i answered there r bigger things.. i guess..
and fuck man fuck ! they are not sorted and i dnt seem calm to myself when i am to myself. I don't think they are calm at all.. i think everyday we come to this freaking dead end. Even if you find another way,again start from scratch,work things out ! Like YOU KNOW WHAT , i don't want to be part of this freaking game.
why don't you keep scratching ur self man !
i got mad at some one thinking they didn't give a fuck not realizing that i was the one who initiated it or wants to...so if the other person did not respond why should it matter to that person for how i felt ! i initiated it right ? But why did i even initiate it and in what sense am i initiating anything.. like what for and why ?
disintegrated is the word as what i feel is what our lives is right now.. like in every aspect  where it seems normal its equally abnormal and not fine at all but the circumstances we have to live with until some miracle comes and saves us.

i have a tattoo on my left forearm , saying " Faith ". i got it done because a lot of shit was happening and i was experiencing things beyond my emotional control and mental ability  and then it turned out to be a teaser and there was a whole diff ball game all together.
Faith = belief .. i need the continuance insurance to my self that things will get better. and till date i hope and have faith that things will get better.
 the places i have been seeking happiness are not what i want or anything that has happened to be anything which made me smile for real.

oh how much i want things to be good.

i still can't sleep. and i am still wide awake. i very hungry, for answers  and some light in the tunnel. 

lucknow was delecious

hey hey...
so i disappeared this weekend to lucknow strictly for work which was mixed into pleasure and a family gathering which was much needed :)
So i went to lucknow for a promotion and i was staying with my cousins and oh boy they took care of us like crazy !!!
I loved it.. since my cousins are younger than me i got to be a little crazy and i was also karao-kaying with the family heads at the same time.. got a little stuck in the middle but found the perfect balance..
Its such a great feeling when i know i am getting closer to my family like my brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles...
I had the bestest foood ever :D and had the bestest Time ever.. Though i lost my voice and came back with high fever and had to take a day off to get back.. It was worth it.
i loved lucknow cause of the fact that people were so warm and lovely.

thank you for the breath of fresh air,
<3

mmm...

I was going through my folder, and going thorugh pictures, and more folders .
Found sweet photos, fat photos , gigly photos and heart warming to burning photos..
And then i came across 3 photos of dad, that i had clicked to send it to my cha chi ji..
And i saw them in thumbnail versions but didnt double click em and went on looking at others..

Then i ended up double clicking, there i was fighting with myself. One said dont get into it.. and one said where is he ?
And i saw it.. and my heart melted..
those pictures were of him when he was in the hospital, 2 awake and one asleep..And i remembered a lot ot things abt that day to that night to that month to those months of stay in the hospital..
So much so we started calling it our home.. the nurses knew mom ..
mom...
MOM !
she would sit there all day, all night.. every day.. alone mostly.. like there wud be nurses coming in and out , doctors, next bed neighbours.. this and that..and then us at night.. and me during the evening..
My respect for my mother was always up high but she became unbeatable after i saw her grow strong in front of me..
BAah !
any how,
I suddenly wanted to kiss dad on his forehead, touch his soft wet skin one last time.. and there is no end to it..
Ill talk to you guys later.

knock knock

Hello :D
How was everyones weekend ?
Well i happened to spend my saturday night with chilly chicken,maggie and a yummy refill.
Watched some master chef , spoke a lot to mr.TR(Special boy to the rescue ) .
Sunday morning was nice as i had my first guitar lesson.. :) and got that little inspiration from looking at Ben abraham videos.. and since singing brings me happines , i wanted to play the guitar and go back to good ol keyboard love soon.. Make my songs and have my own lil playlists.. :)

But recently there has been a new entry as well.. like one good thing about being an arian is the openness that we keep when we meet new people.. and so i met Miss.eternalentit1 and from all the twittering to all the favouriting to all the dms to our tiny conversations ..its been nice to have you ... :)
A veggi arian friend who probably likes to hog on food would be intresting :)

Though there are moments where i feel i should be alone and have a confrontation with myself and tell my self to digest the scene and to realise it and not crowd myself with meetings, people , events..
Its been more than a month.. and to be very honest and if i am not wrong i have been busy all my nights and days are working..

But i do i like the entry of certain ppl in my life.. i dont  where will i head with them or where will they lead me.

I am yet to have a heart to heart talk with myself.Any predictions when will that happen ?
And my love for Ben abraham grows and grows and grows on me. Sigh. <3

:)
:*

Wish List 1

My wish list 1.

• To have my room painted with lemon yellow.
• To hang my paintings, sketches and 2 posters i bought for mom and dad.
• To divide my bed into 2 and keep only one of em.
• Make room for my screen printing table.
• Make room for kerosense paints, knife , kerosene, torn cloth , cutting table.
• A rack with my art files, and certificates , Medals and trophies.
• A board for me to pin my sketches etc.
• Remove white lights and add yellow lights.
• Let sunlight greet my room that i am not allowed to.
• Get a small fridge stacked with Lits , Ice tea and breezers.
• A chef at my call who would cook some amaaizing chilly chicken any time.
• A music system with amazing speakers.
• A playlist that plays according to my moods.
• A lot of advaita in it.
• To make time for football every evening.
• To go for camps with kids every month.
• Learn how to play the key board or the guitar.
• Sing my ass off, and compose songs.
• Playing a character every now and then.
• Being productive creativly.
• Have a puppy/dog/cat around me.
• Continue with photography
• Be crazy as i was.
• Continue with anchoring with [v].
• Go to bombay,banglore,punjab what ever it is and where ever i have to.
• Go make some short movies.
• Act in a few, direct many.
• Go to any place in delhi without being too scared.
• Eat chillychicken when ever i want to.
• Just do things i really want to.
• To be able to sit in my room for days while covered in paint and kerosene. 

what happened.

Hey,
so i am sure all of you go through a lot things, a lot of changes.
These changes can be either in the surroundings or you. Right ?
so basically i have felt a change. This change makes me not want to give a damn as much as i use to .
Problem i am less compassionate for the things i use to believe in and thing i use to do.
Reason, i think i have lost intrest or faith.
Solution dont know yet.
So the deal is there have been times that i started somthing and i didnt finish it.
But this time i wanted to and i put everything into it.
But i couldn't finish it. So recently i started a group to promote a certain thing and it was nice.. i loved doing it.. and i had a partner involved in it.. but shes fully in it and doing every thing to take it ahead and i am as in-compassionate as i can get. My love for the things i use to love is changing and i am not ok with it.
i look at my fingers and thats not me.
i look at my clothes.. its not me.
i look at my actions and its not me.
But then is this life meant for us to get to know our selves better ?
For a girl who would go on rescue walks with her foreign neighbor and her son to abandoned farms and lands to bring back sick puppies to randomly stopping in the middle of the road to save another pup to pushing a van with her soul sisters out of pit to the road to a girl bleeding her heart out in a scene enactment to a girl who went to any exetent for her besties to a girl who would travel in any mode of transport to just get through the day.. to the girl who was her self... going to a girl whose nails are hot red now, to a girl who prefers metros and cars only for her mode of trasport, to a girl who doesnt go out for walks any more in the wild to girl who wants to play foot ball but worries her hair will get spoiled , to a girl who is another girl in a making..
its really weird and weird and weird .
i see some one who is doing everything he can to make it work , and take a cetain thing to whole different level. He is sooo passionate about what he does and wants to do and where he wants to be.
Though he older than me but this kind of focus can either be inspiring for others or sad..
Specially when you know you havent found your calling..
I hope to keep that little girl who was there a year ago who i was so fond off , whose loniless had grown on me and i liked the alone time and the sadness that revolved.. that seemed like a one on one time for me with me.
I do wonder ,
Question : if i was still as crazy as i was then how wud my life be ?
Answer : I would be happier, i would have completed what i had started. I would be doing something i wanted to know. And i wouldnt be lying to myself right now or others that yes this is what i wanted.
I would have had some clear understanding though because that clear understanding would have been much better than this blurr.

I remember discussing my plans with daddy and we decided to finish what we started and do what i wanted.
But he left without finishing any of this.
He left too soon. I wish he was still here and i would have almost made it to the finishing of something we started .  

hello there !

So,
there have been times when i wanted to share a lot of things here but i didnt.. but i can knowing notmany people read this blog..
so what the hell..
it turns out the mr. special  nd i are not so special any more.. err.. i hope you know what i mean..
i am sitting in an empty room listening to eliza doolittle .. any how..
i am waiting to get back home.. i want to rest.. refresh my head and just chill like laze around in a very comfy position.
I had some major stomach cramps yesterday early freaking morning starting from the day before (mid night).. didnt sleep till it turned 5.. and when i did, 7 30 i got a call from my family informing me ant some one who is coming to stay over and needs to be picked up soon from the metro station..
And so on this cloudy rainy morning i went for a drive.. ( felt good to be honest ) and got back home.. had a busy working day and then lovely dinner with family and the home!
Now when i went of to sleep i was high. High on the idea of sleeping ! and so i slept off and just didnt wish to wake up.. so tired and so got ready in my sleep ! :| and it was not good.
i look a bit stupid. the shoes are great for another outfit. the dress is great for another occasion. and never mind. and who.. i rlly rlly want to catch up on some sleep :   \
or else just lie down.. or something.. and oh by god ! why does my hand and my right arm hurt so much.
bAAAH !
Did i tell you there has been some one who has been doing a bit of rescuing lately..
As i said, i know people dont read this..so its ok to mention stuff here i guess..
well i lost some one very very very dear to me and my family and things have been strange and very very strange.
Around that same time.. mr.Special and i decided to part ways. .
But as i said there has been some one who has been doing the damage control.. it feels good to have ahem around.
For now at times i feel like just leaving our house and just go to some place new  and start all over again.
mmmm... its difficult i guess.
i mean since there are so many changes lets add some more of our own changes to it.
sigh.
ok then, bye bye.
miss u all.