RECAP

hello there ,

i havent posten since 2012 !
And here is a little recap of things !
i am in delhi now , i stayed in bombay for 2 to 3 months ! It was insane and also lonely some times !
Remember i had mentioned someone who was doing the damage control post Mr.Special, well we are friends now and iafter mr.Damage control, i had my set of flings and relationships.

The day i came back from bombay, i met with all my close friends , and had a freaking ball of a time ! and i was flooded with happiness and insane number of memories of that day alone !

my bestie was sleeping over too :D .. but knowing my life or knowing LIFE.. its unexpected... the very next early morning i learnt that i had lost my uncle ( my buas better half) ..and he was one of the sweetest uncles of all times.. Though i know he is peace now with no more drama and no more emotional pain causing physical pain....

My cousins were devastated as hell.. it seemed he was the only thing keeping them going...

i love my brothers all of them.. and seeing my cousins like this... we all suddenly understood each others pain a little better... the pain was mutual and so was the understanding...

As i mentioned about the flings , when i was in bombay i was talking to this beautiful boy who had plans to visit london and even though we would talk a lot , once he got to london and me still in bombay .. things were gone... but we are still friends... and its peacefull and decent...

Though mr.Damage control was in bombay too now by the way ! he was here to pursue his Masters..
We met couple of times but sort of the understanding was missing...
So didnt talk as much....

So when i got to delhi after all that happened , i was back at work ... travelling , fashion weeks , meeting friends , new people... Meeting my cousins a lot more... now both the families felt the pain and and the mere silence of the topic of their loss and ours was this beautiful understanding... That yes, i know how it feels... yes,things will get better...

During all this , my search for love was on and at my close friends birthday i met this person whose existence i knew from years ago but didnt pay much attention too.. was awesome !
We both were equally weird and enjoyed each others weirdness like anything... Some where i knew i was falling for him ...
He was that part of my life that made me so happy and so chirpy and soo nice and so loved and everything else awesome...

I dont know if you ever noticed in my wish list or things that made me happy.. i never mentioned my current job as one of them, infact that was the part i despised the most.. even though my job is surrounded by awesome people but its the work thats not awesome to me....And every day i would come back home to his arms and his warmth...

But ..

its been more than two weeks since i have spoken to him, it was his birthday this sunday, i didnt wish him...i just couldnt.. i was in manali few hours before his birthday with  my best friend for a week , had a beautiful peaceful time ... and a week before that was norah jones concert when i last spoke to him and i told that i was falling in love with him and he said he didnt want a relationship with me or anyone... He said i was the most amazing thing that ever happened to him and he wants us to be friends since he is an asshole and not fit for a relationship.( he said that about himself )

He said , i am sorry that my pace of falling in love was not as same as yours.

He was right...

and after that very conversation, i stoped crying . i just stoped.. The 10 to 12 days after our mutual break up , where i spent every night and day crying.. reason ? dont kniw why ?

That very conversation made me stop. i stopped crying.My love faded within hours.

Norah took over my mind, manali took over my mind , am off facebook ..

I AM QUITTING MY JOB, and all those things i wrote in 2011 and repeated in 2012 .. finally ill do them,

i am going to be home april onwards , i am getting my screen printing machine, my speakers, my desktop, i set up the two film posters in my room.. i have made space in my room for the things ill need... i have yet to get the tracing table.. i finally travelled for leisure and i am still getting the things i love.. now, i will be doing all those things i wrote about.


i hope to keep in touch with all of you.

A new begining

hey you !

So its been 14 days since i have been staying in a new location.

I am in bombay folks !

And even though i am here for work, it almost seems as if i have shifted except that everything comes with the a price ! Quite literally...

I am in Bombay for work, Since we are opening our 2nd store , so i have been sent to set the place up for good.

The launch is going to happen, the store would be open , clients would be pouring in , and well just a lot of work.

So i am staying at an apartment with 2 girls, ones in delhi at the moment and my other roomate currently staying with me is from Hyderabad but well the Hyderabad one is leaving for her home town. So today i would be by myself till late night.

I have never lived alone away from my family in different city and its pretty intresting. In Delhi i wouldnt get time to indulge in any physical exercise besides the occasional skipping but that wouldnt have taken me any where near to the results i was looking for.

So here in bombay, from day 2 i have been going jog-walks every evening for a minimum 1 hour.

Its been interesting cause i would go down to joggers park and the ocean is right next to it and it feels awesome when you are running in the heat and the cool breeze welcomes you every time you take a step ahead.

The usual question has been, how do I like Bombay ?

And I say its nice… I love the ocean and I love the roads here and of course the weather which is any day better than what delhi is upto right now.

Besides that when you are living independently you are entitled to a certain kind of freedom you desire to have once a while when your living with your family.

So I exploited that freedom for a few days and then you come on the terms on your own.. Forming that balance is what I am talking about.

I have become more conscious about my choices , lets say cause of the budget issues for one so cant have a chilled out lifestyle as it was in delhi , plus when you are getting into a new thing all together then you might as well include things you wanted to as all this while.

I do miss delhi but I am pretty happy here J .

There are so so so so many cats,crows here, just so you know…. :p

Watching satyamev jayate , and eventually will go for brunch.

Going to have a lazy Sunday J.

howdy !

hey hey hey hey

so going to make a list of things i want to do and things that make me happy.. and yes these two things are interlinked.

1. Draw,paint,scrible,freakout through diff mediums more often.
2. Jam with bhanu more often and finish guitar lessons from him ( or actually start to actually finish it).
3. Save a LIL every month to accommodate things i want or save a little for the future and spend the rest on the things i want.. which i do but it goes all on food. FAIL.
4. Have half of my bed in my room. Single occupancy only.
5. Fix the wall.
6. Once the wall is fixed, paint one wall in sunny yellow.
7. Get a tracing table.
8. Get the screen printing table, with silk screen, kerosene paints, all those little things you require for a soulful time of screen painting.
9. A decent music system with awesome bass and awesome sound !
10. Better lighting.
11. Get a wal board to pin up all the work.
12. A wooden cabin,desk for keeping the art files, portfolios.
13. A full length mirror in the right place.
14. Rearrange all the furniture in my room.
15. Get to gyming.
16. Take a bath everyday.
17. Get back to photography and try different mediums to be more creative with it.
18. BUY A MAC for myself. Epic TOUGH.
19. Have a relaxing sunday instead of running around.
20. MAKE TIME FOR ALL THE THINGS ABOVE
21. watch a movie or 2 or 3 or 4 or even 7 every week.
22. Buy cds than downloading, like i did for ADVAITA :D. i bought 2 !!! and for cold play .. next i want to pick up norah jones, radio head.
23. Ofcourse eat the most insane food on this planet ! :D
24. SPAND TAIME WITH FRANDS. also very very very important .

midnight shivers

There comes a time when, you stop for a second before going of to sleep and be grateful for all those things we have and had.
In the next second we mourn. Something we lost. And you let it out and you let it out and you let it out.
After a round of emotional exhaustion,writing in your journal after 10 months and inform her in 8 sentences in pointers about the significant things that went by.
And when you read the pages of the past before you write a new one you realize that going by situation one was very strong and focused.
I learnt from my the past entries that during all the chaos i was focused in a certain way regarding certain things.
Every day there is this moment when i rewind certain things in my head and i it feels like a big fat prank.
Sleepless nights, and very sleep nights. Sleepless with the thought of it, very tiring from all that emotional exhaustion.
His birthday is on monday and all i can think is how i use to look forward to december , it was my brothers birthday on 1st, 5th his, and 14th moms. It meant like a party month , cause every 4 days we were going to dine outside or have some insane food. As growing up in our family meant being obsessed with food or grow up to be a big time foodie. So birthdays was an excuse for an outing or indulging in food like anything. I use to be so excited on all the birthdays.. decorating to card making to gift picking.
I use to get my pocket money from dad and i use to buy him the gift from that. :\ . eheehe .
He made a file of all birthday cards we gave him. It was the sweetest thing of him to do.
I miss him dearly.

its really cold, isnt it ?

Lady gaga, SRK & new found love

hello all,
so in brief, i got to meet Lady Gaga and Shahrukh Khan at the same place for a good one hour and a half.
And it was such a happy moment for me.
When Jay sean came down for his concert , Me and my cousin went for the concert and we made sure we would be in the front to get a one on one glimpse of him.. and enjoy his performance thoroughly !
And so we did, but after 2 hours of waiting and 1 hour of pushing when he arrived, me and my cousin promised each other that if Lady GaGA was to come down to Delhi or even Enrique or Pitbull or any one else we like we would get the vip tickets and enjoy their company for good !
And so when i heard of Gaga, there was a contest being done Ht city " Meet Lady gaga contest "and it was pretty rigged man !
There rules cleary suggested that no boy under the age of 18 was allowed to participate but there 2 to 3 kids freaking under age ! And yes i didnt get selected but also those entries were balls !
So that not working i thought of making my way through the F1 party and see her perform , Cause when will she come down to INdia again MAN !
So a very good friend of mine happens to know a lot of these event people, So i asked him about it and turns out he could probably pull a few strings to get me in but it would be awfully difficult to do so , so it was dicey !
So then in all my 1 week of gaga obsession where i was listening , breathing and watching her videos to puttting up status of her, turns out the Universe ( YES i read the secret, and i belv in it)  heard my prayers, and i got a call form a friend who randomly asked me if i wanted to meet gaga and thinking he was refering to the F1 Party i said yeah man, But i am trying to arrange a pass for myself( CAUSE I DONT HAVE 40 GRAND TO PARTY) .. But it turns out shes calling 20 such persons who are gaga fans and would genuinely like to meet mother monster and then when i started to scream and yell out of happiness that i am going to meet LADY GAGA for 4 fucking hours straight !!! WTF ! AHAHHAHAHAHHHA amazing !
And it turns out later she needs one more person who else is a GAGA fan too, so i asked my brother( real) and it seemed he was pretty eager to see her too.. but i wanted my little cousin to be with me too since that was our pact ! and so i offered her , if she needed ttrue gaga fans like more of me then she should ask me for sure...
AND the UNIVERSE  hears my prayers again !!! And so i managed to get my cousin, and another gaga fan/friend.
But there was this one Mega Gaga fan who read our statuses and would do anything in the world to meet gaga.. He himself has been trying everything to get to meet her... or see her or someting. After  24 hours of requesting , pleading , begging something happened and he was with us at the venue of her Arrival.
LG was to be interviewed by Shahrukh khan and thats where i flipped and i couldnt stop jumping !
My mom said it was too good to be true ! hah ! thanks mom !
But they came, they both did and it was super effing awesome.. and oh my god, Shahrukh khan is the most cute and hot looking guy ever. He is smart and his eyes are just mmmmmmmmmm.

In that hour and a half of talking and sitting on the fucking front couch making eye contact with the both of em in such a way that as if me and the girl next to me were the only ones in the room.
oH MY GOD, I LOVE THE BOTH OF THEM SO MUCH.

But i def have a new found respect for SRK, before leaving he met each and every person in the room with a hand shake and a hug ( but i got a kiss on the cheek)
baaaahhhh
Lady gaga saying shell do wht ever for her little monsters and Srk actually doing it made the difference in a newly born icon and an evolving icon like SRK.

oooo boy..

wait till the video comes out..

sweet shizle.

So Many directions

i have been wearing my heart on my sleeve and that can cause so many problems.
I realized that my heart has actually gone bonkers and it refuses to calm down and leaves no stone moved..
i realized how much i was dependent and i continue to depend on individuals,bonds that cause the ruckus.

oh when will it calm down and just stay inside where it needs to and not jump from building to building.
Cause i have no idea what is it searching for....


no idea..

Drilling machine

Yesterday morning i decided to go down the animal shelter and do so some volunteer work, see the little things there. i have always loved dogs and cats and the new ones i get to see at shelter but some ow i never run out of love for any one of them at any point of time.
after spend an hour there while leaving i saw this little 25 days old kitten inside the box sleeping with another b;ack kitten of the same age.
At first i wasnt sure whether it was an empty box or am i hallucinating, but after inquiry it was confirmed that there were tiny little kitten who had a third sister but got adopted.
Out of these 2 one he picked up was alive and the other was found breathless hence a good bye.
I held the one which survived and while playing with i randomly asked the procedure for adoption, within the next half hour she was mine.
I adopted a baby kitten.
I was so happy, and she wuld continue to meow at me at all times.. i got her back to my cousins, who also loves his pets and would do anything for them..  and so we both began to obsess over the little thing.
The next 2 hour with her were amazing, she did what cats would do when they feel love , she slept on me she played with me , my lil cousin , me and baby kitten had a ball.
Then came the announcement of the adoption, i was lying on the sofa  while Zaara ( yes thats what we named her ) had snuggled next to my neck under my hair and she slept of there..
Entry by person 1 , person 2 , person 3 , person 4  , person 5 and mom and no one seemed to notice the coiled up animal on my neck. Moat of them thought that was my hair,
My lil cousin and i coudnt stop gigling at the sight of  all this.
Like how could yo not see it. ut i cant blame em , Zaara = tiny.
And so i took out zaara from the neck and showed it to mom and my mom freaked out jumped and ran to the other end she coudnt figure what was it.
After much haa-hee and speculation , she got her name , Zaara.
She was a black kitten with grey/black eyes and she was beautiful.. Every one could see she would grow up to be a beautiful cat.
But thats where it stpped.. after my brothers left for work ,, i got a cal from one of em asking me to return tthe kitten and take a dog insteead, since it wud make more sense as we always planned foor a dog nt cat and it wud be more mother friendly etc and whole lot of convincing to return the kitty.
I tookk her because i thought maybe she needed me , she got no sisters or parents and its an awful feeling to be in. . so small she is.. and i wanted to be her family..
So i decided that i wnt return her fro sure but went back to the shelter in any case to see for the pup and to buy a nice house for zaara.
zaara pooped on me for the first time and the 2nd and the 3 rd . it felt just fine. :)
And then i saw something awfully sad,  a young boy( my age) his mother and their dog . The dog on the table and the both of them around it out side the vvet.
They had come down to say tier last good byes.. and the boy couldnt stop crying. It broke my heart to see him like tbecause i would have been howling if it was to be me in his shoes. The dog must have bbeen i pain and so they were brining him to peace by saying bye for good..
we ended up buying her home , with a pink bell on her door and my cousin with his efforts made it the most pretty house for a little black cat to have.
everything was great.. like zaara was sleeping on me when i got home and it was so darn amazing and i felt so connected to her.. i slept next to her while she was sleeping in her litle house.. i amde sure she was comfortbale.. and she seemed fine.. I went of to sleep and got up at 4:30 in the morning to give her some water .. she seemed fine and sleepy so put her ack to bed . The time when i got her from the shelter to the time she was with me. every time she would sleep i wud put my hand on her to check if she was breating.. i was rlly scared..
So next i woke up at 830 in the morning feeling i should probably check on her and make her sleep next to me in person or feed her.
I opened the door and saw her away from the teddy but in the middle if the her home and she wasnt moving. i checked her heart beat and it was gone.
i sat there , staring at the box. completely blank. just the way i am right now. blank, empty. blank, empty.
i sat there for 10 mins. rapped zaara in the cloth she was sleeping on. let her be there.
No one was awake at home then, i went out walked for few seconds and felt saying good bye was the thing to do.
Though from realizing that she had gone to the time i was burring the grave for her., i couldnt stop thinking as to why did this happen and what could have i done wrong that she simply left.
We spent the entire day together were she wuldnt stop purring and i am as blanka nd emotionless i can be .
I dug her grve put her there safely and wrapped her up and finished the business and got back home.
Took her house put in the my room and continued to follow my as normal as it was.

when i reached offic, my left arm wouldnt stop shaking and ever since i saw her like that i feel blank,empty and muted.

Zaara, i feel as if some one got a drilling machine and piered it through my heart. 

I cannot explain the feeling i am in but i fell in love with you the moment i saw you.

Rest in peace

Aju and i love you

can't sleep,

Hello,
Its 3:37 At night ,
And i am awake. completely..
like i cannot sleep.. i saw exorcism of emily rose and that is not the reason why i cannot sleep.. i was watching it cause i was bored and just out of my league.. like not enjoying my own company.. Since when do you not like your own company and resort to other people , things to pass your time...
fuck that..
Am sure it happens to any one , but it seems the darn compass is just stuck some where it refuses to move to a new direction. Like it feels like a dead end. Like for real.. dead end.
ok. so ur doing all this but its a dead end.
ok ur making cards. then dead end
like everything is so freaking strange. i cut figure it out like what is this whole freaking idea beihd this freaking phase..
our cars met with accidents and thankful every one was safe.. and so was the driver who choked them at the first place...
Another part of my life sees things which r just nt getting fixed no matter what you do they just want to suck all the air out of you and keep you puzzled..
Then there is this part of the life that i just don't get. After all that was given in to something had it no meaning whats so ever to be at least worth an effort to respond to  ask about or at least find out if things r fine. And actually not limit till r u fine but genuine interest... like fuck dude are you serious ?
some one asked me. " how are you so calm and sorted about things " , i answered there r bigger things.. i guess..
and fuck man fuck ! they are not sorted and i dnt seem calm to myself when i am to myself. I don't think they are calm at all.. i think everyday we come to this freaking dead end. Even if you find another way,again start from scratch,work things out ! Like YOU KNOW WHAT , i don't want to be part of this freaking game.
why don't you keep scratching ur self man !
i got mad at some one thinking they didn't give a fuck not realizing that i was the one who initiated it or wants to...so if the other person did not respond why should it matter to that person for how i felt ! i initiated it right ? But why did i even initiate it and in what sense am i initiating anything.. like what for and why ?
disintegrated is the word as what i feel is what our lives is right now.. like in every aspect  where it seems normal its equally abnormal and not fine at all but the circumstances we have to live with until some miracle comes and saves us.

i have a tattoo on my left forearm , saying " Faith ". i got it done because a lot of shit was happening and i was experiencing things beyond my emotional control and mental ability  and then it turned out to be a teaser and there was a whole diff ball game all together.
Faith = belief .. i need the continuance insurance to my self that things will get better. and till date i hope and have faith that things will get better.
 the places i have been seeking happiness are not what i want or anything that has happened to be anything which made me smile for real.

oh how much i want things to be good.

i still can't sleep. and i am still wide awake. i very hungry, for answers  and some light in the tunnel. 

lucknow was delecious

hey hey...
so i disappeared this weekend to lucknow strictly for work which was mixed into pleasure and a family gathering which was much needed :)
So i went to lucknow for a promotion and i was staying with my cousins and oh boy they took care of us like crazy !!!
I loved it.. since my cousins are younger than me i got to be a little crazy and i was also karao-kaying with the family heads at the same time.. got a little stuck in the middle but found the perfect balance..
Its such a great feeling when i know i am getting closer to my family like my brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles...
I had the bestest foood ever :D and had the bestest Time ever.. Though i lost my voice and came back with high fever and had to take a day off to get back.. It was worth it.
i loved lucknow cause of the fact that people were so warm and lovely.

thank you for the breath of fresh air,
<3

mmm...

I was going through my folder, and going thorugh pictures, and more folders .
Found sweet photos, fat photos , gigly photos and heart warming to burning photos..
And then i came across 3 photos of dad, that i had clicked to send it to my cha chi ji..
And i saw them in thumbnail versions but didnt double click em and went on looking at others..

Then i ended up double clicking, there i was fighting with myself. One said dont get into it.. and one said where is he ?
And i saw it.. and my heart melted..
those pictures were of him when he was in the hospital, 2 awake and one asleep..And i remembered a lot ot things abt that day to that night to that month to those months of stay in the hospital..
So much so we started calling it our home.. the nurses knew mom ..
mom...
MOM !
she would sit there all day, all night.. every day.. alone mostly.. like there wud be nurses coming in and out , doctors, next bed neighbours.. this and that..and then us at night.. and me during the evening..
My respect for my mother was always up high but she became unbeatable after i saw her grow strong in front of me..
BAah !
any how,
I suddenly wanted to kiss dad on his forehead, touch his soft wet skin one last time.. and there is no end to it..
Ill talk to you guys later.

knock knock

Hello :D
How was everyones weekend ?
Well i happened to spend my saturday night with chilly chicken,maggie and a yummy refill.
Watched some master chef , spoke a lot to mr.TR(Special boy to the rescue ) .
Sunday morning was nice as i had my first guitar lesson.. :) and got that little inspiration from looking at Ben abraham videos.. and since singing brings me happines , i wanted to play the guitar and go back to good ol keyboard love soon.. Make my songs and have my own lil playlists.. :)

But recently there has been a new entry as well.. like one good thing about being an arian is the openness that we keep when we meet new people.. and so i met Miss.eternalentit1 and from all the twittering to all the favouriting to all the dms to our tiny conversations ..its been nice to have you ... :)
A veggi arian friend who probably likes to hog on food would be intresting :)

Though there are moments where i feel i should be alone and have a confrontation with myself and tell my self to digest the scene and to realise it and not crowd myself with meetings, people , events..
Its been more than a month.. and to be very honest and if i am not wrong i have been busy all my nights and days are working..

But i do i like the entry of certain ppl in my life.. i dont  where will i head with them or where will they lead me.

I am yet to have a heart to heart talk with myself.Any predictions when will that happen ?
And my love for Ben abraham grows and grows and grows on me. Sigh. <3

:)
:*

Wish List 1

My wish list 1.

• To have my room painted with lemon yellow.
• To hang my paintings, sketches and 2 posters i bought for mom and dad.
• To divide my bed into 2 and keep only one of em.
• Make room for my screen printing table.
• Make room for kerosense paints, knife , kerosene, torn cloth , cutting table.
• A rack with my art files, and certificates , Medals and trophies.
• A board for me to pin my sketches etc.
• Remove white lights and add yellow lights.
• Let sunlight greet my room that i am not allowed to.
• Get a small fridge stacked with Lits , Ice tea and breezers.
• A chef at my call who would cook some amaaizing chilly chicken any time.
• A music system with amazing speakers.
• A playlist that plays according to my moods.
• A lot of advaita in it.
• To make time for football every evening.
• To go for camps with kids every month.
• Learn how to play the key board or the guitar.
• Sing my ass off, and compose songs.
• Playing a character every now and then.
• Being productive creativly.
• Have a puppy/dog/cat around me.
• Continue with photography
• Be crazy as i was.
• Continue with anchoring with [v].
• Go to bombay,banglore,punjab what ever it is and where ever i have to.
• Go make some short movies.
• Act in a few, direct many.
• Go to any place in delhi without being too scared.
• Eat chillychicken when ever i want to.
• Just do things i really want to.
• To be able to sit in my room for days while covered in paint and kerosene. 

what happened.

Hey,
so i am sure all of you go through a lot things, a lot of changes.
These changes can be either in the surroundings or you. Right ?
so basically i have felt a change. This change makes me not want to give a damn as much as i use to .
Problem i am less compassionate for the things i use to believe in and thing i use to do.
Reason, i think i have lost intrest or faith.
Solution dont know yet.
So the deal is there have been times that i started somthing and i didnt finish it.
But this time i wanted to and i put everything into it.
But i couldn't finish it. So recently i started a group to promote a certain thing and it was nice.. i loved doing it.. and i had a partner involved in it.. but shes fully in it and doing every thing to take it ahead and i am as in-compassionate as i can get. My love for the things i use to love is changing and i am not ok with it.
i look at my fingers and thats not me.
i look at my clothes.. its not me.
i look at my actions and its not me.
But then is this life meant for us to get to know our selves better ?
For a girl who would go on rescue walks with her foreign neighbor and her son to abandoned farms and lands to bring back sick puppies to randomly stopping in the middle of the road to save another pup to pushing a van with her soul sisters out of pit to the road to a girl bleeding her heart out in a scene enactment to a girl who went to any exetent for her besties to a girl who would travel in any mode of transport to just get through the day.. to the girl who was her self... going to a girl whose nails are hot red now, to a girl who prefers metros and cars only for her mode of trasport, to a girl who doesnt go out for walks any more in the wild to girl who wants to play foot ball but worries her hair will get spoiled , to a girl who is another girl in a making..
its really weird and weird and weird .
i see some one who is doing everything he can to make it work , and take a cetain thing to whole different level. He is sooo passionate about what he does and wants to do and where he wants to be.
Though he older than me but this kind of focus can either be inspiring for others or sad..
Specially when you know you havent found your calling..
I hope to keep that little girl who was there a year ago who i was so fond off , whose loniless had grown on me and i liked the alone time and the sadness that revolved.. that seemed like a one on one time for me with me.
I do wonder ,
Question : if i was still as crazy as i was then how wud my life be ?
Answer : I would be happier, i would have completed what i had started. I would be doing something i wanted to know. And i wouldnt be lying to myself right now or others that yes this is what i wanted.
I would have had some clear understanding though because that clear understanding would have been much better than this blurr.

I remember discussing my plans with daddy and we decided to finish what we started and do what i wanted.
But he left without finishing any of this.
He left too soon. I wish he was still here and i would have almost made it to the finishing of something we started .  

hello there !

So,
there have been times when i wanted to share a lot of things here but i didnt.. but i can knowing notmany people read this blog..
so what the hell..
it turns out the mr. special  nd i are not so special any more.. err.. i hope you know what i mean..
i am sitting in an empty room listening to eliza doolittle .. any how..
i am waiting to get back home.. i want to rest.. refresh my head and just chill like laze around in a very comfy position.
I had some major stomach cramps yesterday early freaking morning starting from the day before (mid night).. didnt sleep till it turned 5.. and when i did, 7 30 i got a call from my family informing me ant some one who is coming to stay over and needs to be picked up soon from the metro station..
And so on this cloudy rainy morning i went for a drive.. ( felt good to be honest ) and got back home.. had a busy working day and then lovely dinner with family and the home!
Now when i went of to sleep i was high. High on the idea of sleeping ! and so i slept off and just didnt wish to wake up.. so tired and so got ready in my sleep ! :| and it was not good.
i look a bit stupid. the shoes are great for another outfit. the dress is great for another occasion. and never mind. and who.. i rlly rlly want to catch up on some sleep :   \
or else just lie down.. or something.. and oh by god ! why does my hand and my right arm hurt so much.
bAAAH !
Did i tell you there has been some one who has been doing a bit of rescuing lately..
As i said, i know people dont read this..so its ok to mention stuff here i guess..
well i lost some one very very very dear to me and my family and things have been strange and very very strange.
Around that same time.. mr.Special and i decided to part ways. .
But as i said there has been some one who has been doing the damage control.. it feels good to have ahem around.
For now at times i feel like just leaving our house and just go to some place new  and start all over again.
mmmm... its difficult i guess.
i mean since there are so many changes lets add some more of our own changes to it.
sigh.
ok then, bye bye.
miss u all.

Good bye

20 years to 9 months, a good bye was apparently due,

i never knew , i never knew

that it would be you..

i have much respect and much love that i never got to give

i never knew, i never knew

that ill get to watch this day, but ill try to live

The loss has still not been identified,

but its surely immense..

i never knew, i never knew

that feeling would be so intense..

you were there since i could breathe,

but today i had to see you leave,

i never knew, i never knew

that it wud hurt to wear my heart on my sleeve

i missed you then i miss you know,

the entry and exit happened some how,

i never knew i never knew

that i would feel like this the way i feel right now.

clueless

Hey
So remember my previous  blogs where i would talk about hw you all must wish me luck for my pol sci papers !
And when you did yu wanted to make sure i was happy and so you did.. i think.
2 months before my paper and few months before that i had started recognizing the need to pay a short visit down the history of pol sci of india..
I went in there and tried to be there as long as i could and hoped to survive and live a better life.
I gave my papers, i felt happy when i came out and proud for the hard work i put in it..
I was also far more fit than i was not studying for my papers because of my regular visit to the gym for a little fresh air during my leave.

so the work was done and i was back working my or trying to get a deal of the responsibilities that i need to take care off.

And so came the most awaited time when i was to my future for good.

So you know what happened yesterday , like last night.. i was clearing my cupboard for the carpenter to fix something, i began to clear my pol si books and copies notes etc and i happen to notice brown lumps of dust stuck on some of the sheets !! and SICK ! the return of the TERMITES !!
And they chose not to eat the wood butaahhhhhh my books.
INTRESTING.. Specially when  my result was what it was.. i took the termite eating thing as a sign.
By now i am hoping you all r smart enough to know wht the most anticipated result was.

:)

So i am clueless AS the heading claims because i worked my bum off for the papers and the unexpected happened.
My special boy and i are going though a Phase as you may call it and i am clueless as to whats going on..
My life with its diff sectors are going through something that i cnt understand and no matter wht i do tto make hings work it dsnt seem enough.

Clueless than ever !


sigh, hope things work out. 

Split second syndrome

 And my hair cuts have been rather drastic depending on my mood..
 If i feel agitated then i am as good as going bald and when i feel vulnerable i want to keep my length and jst a trimming..but right now i need a change..You see its a split second syndrome. One second i was  sititng the next thing is my hair is chopped. Self expression can be very intresting.

                                 

 

And its also that time where i am already going through a lot of changes but want another change to change this change.
Its a phase where i feel a change in my look my bring certain things taken care off.
Its a phase where my days go in a certain pattern and i need a new routine.
Its a phase where i feel i need a life.
Its a phase where i probably need some one real close to hold hands with.
Its a phase where ill actually be isolated seeking solitude.

And just when you think all that goes into a hair cut.

i need a change from this change real soon.

There is something that is eating me up.. but i cant figure out what ?
I tried finding reasons applicable but no sir.. no answer yet.
Is it in my head or there hasnt been genuine source of happiness for a while.
A genuine smile.

yes, i lack a genuine stretch of hundred muscles for me to smile effortlessly.

i also feel having a dog will solve everything.
i miss my pets..

I also i feel i am stuck between what i have to be at all times and what i want to be.
I am this diff person on the weekdays and a diff person on a Sunday. The moment the part of me is trying to come out i feel strange like dont let it out... you'll get embarrassed.
And so during my sleep i am the closest to being my self.

Maybe ill get a puppy.. maybe i wont feel like this. I love dogs.. and they have always brought genuine smiles for me.. with thier genuine love..

i miss blacky and chun chun.

A Million Mirrors

i poured my heart

i poured my soul

i poured both of them through a hole..

where will this opening take me to

i am curious as hell and where are you

as i walked down this little path

the pain in my feet began to start.

it went from feet to legs to waist

reaching up to my head, 

pain in my tongue for the buds to taste.

this pain was not a prick or a pinch

hit by a brick or a punch in the face,

slowly slowly i begin to see i have reached a room

with vacancy,

as i stand to look around

i call your name i call you out..

every time i breathe your name i see a mirror and i see it again

Mirror mirror on the wall

why do i have a feeling i am about to fall.
and as i speak my love to you
i end up fighting,nothing new
"i love you more than i did before"
said a man with a heart of colours..
"but if its true then why this pain , this irritation its driving me insane."
Said she on her knees,
Its not my fault you can't see my love
you need to open your eyes and look above.
"there is a lot, to see it through..
wont you show it to me again, please do, please do.."
said the girl trying to view..
"i love you a lot and its up for you to believe"
 said the man as he gets ready to leave.
"and it may seem ironic
 but i wont do anything about it." As he claimed.
i kept quiet i walk again, i feel my heart its getting strained..
its at my feet and has fallen out..
my heart bleeds without no doubt.
i hear a crash..
.
.

 A million mirrors, A million mirrors

 come crashing down like all my fears..

i know now, where am i ..

 i am in your heart with my heart in my hand..

i said i bring my heart to you,
he said
"why ? i already told you !"

she said
"i know you said you loved me a lot,
but i want you to show me again,
before you begin to paint a whole new world again.
i know you are a creator
there is a lot to do
but what about the creation you created for you.
its needs some love it needs some care..
with the heart out in the open its fragile
i am bare."

but i poured my heart,

i poured my soul

i poured both of them through a hole..

hoping you would catch hold of them..

but

A million mirrors, A million mirrors

 come crashing down like all my fears..

dream a little dream

i hope that things would get better..

i hope that things would get fine..

i hope to full fill my dreams and take those things back

that were mine..

i hope to live up to my expectations..

then to have a smile..

but i have been trying to live up to yours..like 

a blindfolded walk for a thousand miles.

I understand i cant do the things for a reason..

but i hope you will understand

that you must not force a person

because you think they need to stand.

we all have our own dreams 

we wish to survive

but you continue to drown me in a river..

where you cant decide whether i should live or die,

What is the point of giving us life

when it had to be sucked out..

what is the point of dreaming when it has no belief but doubt.

Dreams are meant to be fulfilled 

they are meant to be great

but we like to kill dreams like it was, never for its now.

I wish so badly to find myself.

i dream to be me..

but its only through dreams that we can locate the truth in ourselves .

Its not science that makes the earth spin

but our hope and dreams..

a hope for a better day

a dream of a new day

where our dreams come true so we continue to make the earth spin away..

how do you feel ?

my name is what ever you want it to be,

my life will be any thing you want it to be,

after all i am your girl.

my feelings will be how you want them to be

i will say things what are appropriate to speak,

after all i am a girl.

I will cover my self with what you think is right

i will take off what ever you think is wrong,

after all i am there girl.

i will educate myself 

only if you say so,

i will learn to count if i may so ?

but after all i am a girl.

i will sing,but the lyrics would be yours &

composition would be yours,

because i am a breath away from being called a plastic doll

who does all those things on your single call..

after all i am a girl.

When i am doing every thing you want me to do 

when i breathe you when you want me to

when i eat when you want me to

when i sleep when you want me to

when i want to die is when you want me to

how would you feel to be me ?

but, after all i am a girl.